The Benefits Of Telling A Deliciously Popular Juice Brand That One Of Their Flavors Is Ass

So last week I think, during my frantic hunt for the new Chicken & Waffles Lays, I was up in Target on the verge of dehydration; very parched. I took a break from searching for the chips that I still to this day haven’t found, and decided to levitate over to the grocery section where all the juices are at.

I love Naked juice, it’s delicious and it does its job. Plus it’s kind of heavy too and I needed something to hold me over until I went to McDonald’s and dropped $10 on two Quarter Pounders and a small fry. Also, I see everyone on their healthy tip so at 24 years old I feel like maybe I should treat my body better with what I let inside of it (pause). My homegirl Sarah stays on Twitter tweeting some disgusting ass concoction that will most likely keep her wrinkle free until she’s 80 and adds 4 years to her life per serving.

Anyway, I usually get that Mighty Mango, but I saw a new juice that I’ve never seen before and it had all fruit; no dumbass pieces of broccoli or anything. It was the Protein Zone Smoothie that included: bananas, apples, oranges, pineapple, coconut, soy and whey protein. That lineup deadass makes me want to get it all over again. And the whey protein really got me too because I figured this will make me hydrated and diesel at the same time.

In the end though the shit was gross. And i spent like $5 so i felt some type of way. They had to know about it so I got home to my MacBook and moved an email their way. This is exactly how it read:

Dear Professional Blenders and Juice Gods,

(And I hope you, whoever you are, read all of this)

I’m questioning everything y’all represent after allowing this false advertisement of a concoction into my bodies temple. I actually went to Target today to find the rarest of Chicken & Waffle potato chips, but in the midst of thirst, my eyes were diverted to your nude pornographic fruit juices. Many I’ve already had, but when I saw this cream colored beverage with all fruits on the label I had to see what it was about. Like I previously stated before, I was in the midst of thirst, so I ended up grabbing 32 fl oz with all expectations to down it before I skirted off the Target premises in my 99 Camry. My issue, aside from the $5.89 I dropped that could of went miles at McDonald’s, was that when this lavish looking liquid came in contact with my mouth and down into wherever juice goes in the body came a face of organic disgust and confusion. Smoothie my ass, wasn’t nothing smooth about this. Felt like y’all grounded up sand and chalk and threw it in some thick ass baby formula. This was about 6 hours ago too and i still have 29 fl oz in this bottle left. What am I going to do with these 29 fl oz? I can’t get my $5.89 back, I can’t go get a better flavor and I don’t like this one; I look at these 29 fl oz and get mad all over again. I think I keep it as a reminder. Then my mouth was out here smelling like infant food so all the pretty lightskin girls with curly hair that I was some weird ass guy who eats Gerber at 2 in the afternoon. And I wasted my gas. And I wasted my day off. I was supposed to be unstoppable today, but after this I was the worst in the galaxy. Y’all let me down man. On top of everything I was still thirsty. Y’all forced me to revert back to Simply, and though there is nothing wrong with Simply, I wasn’t trying to have some natural orange juice. Something’s gotta happen.

– Duane

Twitter: @DuaneKool


Swing at me.

About two days later Naked Juice hit me back with this to say:


Thanks for trying our Naked Juice Protein Zone smoothie. We’re sorry to learn how much you disliked it. We’d certainly never want to let you down.

I want to let you know that I’m sending you full value coupons that you can use to replace the rest of that bottle with any other Naked Juice flavors of your choice. They’ll arrive in about a week.

I’d like you to know that the texture of all our Protein Zone smoothies (which comes in 4 flavors: original, Mango, Double Berry, and Chocolate Banana) has always been substantially different than our other smoothies. 

As you may have noticed, Protein Zone contains dissolved protein and A LOT of it (16 grams per 8oz serving, in fact). Because some of the protein solids just won’t dissolve as well in juices, our Protein Zone smoothies will never be quite as smooth as our other juices and smoothies. However, I’ll certainly share your comments about this flavor with our product development team.

We apologize that your experience with our Protein Zone Smoothie wasn’t a pleasant one, Duane, but we trust your next Naked Juice will be more enjoyable so you can enjoy your day to the fullest. We hope that you’ll continue to select and enjoy all of our other delicious juices and smoothies.

Naked Juice Consumer Relations
Ref# 028086394A

Basically, I fuckin’ won. Now I have hella free Naked Juice coupons and I’m going to make it rain on the cashier at Target while standing on the grocery conveyer belt thing. Bless your heart Jessica from Naked Juice, you deserve a warm towel, you deserve a soda.

I’m out. Hit me on social networks that run lives @DuaneKool.

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